Per Hour — The Conditions

. . . continued from Per Hour — The Eternal Question . . .

     An email arrives headed with a banner picture of five smiling employees &  

“Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you the position conditional upon . . . “  continuing, “There are three steps to this job offer by email:
 
	1. accept or decline this job offer 
	2. schedule a pre-employment drug test  
	3. pass a criminal background check”

	Start with your criminal background. Years of exaggerated employment & one physical address prove you haven't gone anywhere or gotten away with anything. 

The three requested personal references may take time though, as your longest friendships are with people you don't keep in contact with — it's why you're still friends. 

Simply reply to a few unanswered emails from earlier in the year & ask a favor.

Enter. 

	Next, the drug test: easy. The only reason you're looking for work is because you've been too broke to buy weed, so this works out well. Schedule the test at the lab you've been to before, in a strip mall next door to the animal shelter.

Enter.

	Lastly, to “accept or decline” the offer:

Decline comes with acceptance. 

From your entire employment history, beginning early, you have known this when: